I’ve fallen back into eating processed crap and I’m reigning myself in again. I had started counting calories to lose weight but find that I allow myself to eat freaking WHATEVER as long as it fits my calorie count for the day.. Junk food really.. I’m not 18 anymore and I know my HEALTH IS MY WEALTH and I’m making changes..
I’ve done several juice fasts.. One thing I love about them (there are many) is the way it resets your food cravings.. you actually CRAVE whole healthy foods.. I also love to do a juice fast close to the Equinox each season.. Sort of a way to re-focus on my health and taking care of my body.
So in getting ready I am no longer having processed foods (ya I will miss the crackers) and I am also giving up dairy and meat.. and I have planned several good Vegan meals (not truly Vegan here but I am eating more Vegan meals) I am going to cook in bulk and prep so I have foods available.
I am also going back to lots of fruit and green smoothies until 4PM.. Basically Raw Till 4 most days.
I usually Intermittant Fast until noon -1PM so eating lots of fruit first and then a green smoothie a couple hours later holds me until 4pm..
Tonight I am doing stirfried broccoli with pineapple, onions, carrots, red bell pepper, orange zest, TONS of ginger, a bit of chili flakes and Nama Shoyu.
I love the Forbidden Rice (a wonderful nutty flavored black rice) & I will have a bit of it on the side.
I’ve ordered some Evening Primrose Oil (from an original protocol years ago.. really good for women when fasting) to take while on my Juice Fast.. and also some Milk Thistle tincture to support my poor liver thru the detox. I also have some Black Elderberry syrup I will have a Tablespoon of every day because it will be flu season soon.
I’ll post my juice fast here as I go along.. I am starting October 7th.
For months I have been trying to talk myself into joining this new gym that is so close to me I can get there in 5 minutes. I honestly believe that is the main reason I was able to talk myself into joining.
I really didn’t do it to lose weight (although I am sure I will) I did it because I was allowing myself to become a freaking hermit.. never leaving my house and they have a nice collection of classes and I knew I could talk myself into going to the yoga class. I have already been, well once but it’s only been 4 days. I also met with a trainer and have hired him 2 days a week.
To say this is monumental is not even close. It only took constant mental work, paying attention to my hermit-ness (ok, that’s not a word but whatever) and only took me a year to talk myself into it.
I am also aware it will take constantly refocus as to why I did this in the first place because I will get complacent, at least I know me. That in of itself is a gift.
Today I have an appointment with a 360deg diagnostic machine that is supposed to tell me my muscle and fat ratio.. Let’s do this.
I keep thinking about all my hot, past weight loss affairs… I swear I’ve been with hundreds and hundreds of diets.
I’ve given my body over so freely to way too many diets. It’s all so disappointing. I wish I was a “fresh dieter”.. all full of honeymoon hope. I feel like a nasty, skanky dieting whore. Like I need a shot of diet penicillin.
I have got to get my dieting past out of my brain. I need a diet Baptismal. I need to forgive my weight loss past sins and feel fresh again.. I need hope anew.
Over the last few years I have jumped from diet to diet always looking for “my” perfect plan. Never keeping to a plan for any length of time. I realized recently this is “Procrastination thru Perfectionism”. Always looking for “perfect” anything is bull shit.
So I told myself “Just stop fucking around, just decide. Period. Just decide to do something and then do it”. DAMN IT GIRL!! MAKE A FINAL DECISION AND FUCKING STICK TO IT!!!.
My three favorite “diets” are the Low Carb diet, the Raw food Diet and Paleo.
I finally realized that at times I am drawn to one or the other normally because of the way I have been eating the few previous days/weeks.. like days I have allot of protein I will then desire lots of raw foods the next few days.. and I would SWITCH TO A RAW FOOD DIET! and then after a couple of weeks of lots of light foods, raw salads and fruits I would want Paleo or more meat so SWITCH back to Low Carb or Paleo full time… I would throw away foods that didn’t fit or work with my plan and start all over! I recently thru away a very expensive jar of Manuka honey when I yet again switched to Low Carb… I am so all or nothing, black or white… seeking perfection. It’ crazy and I bet I’m not the only one that deals with this.
Now that I know that this is my pattern. I know NOW that I can eat however my body needs at the time and JUST COUNT CALORIES for accountability and some damn progress!. I have the type of personality where I need accountability and counting calories is it.
Once I get on a good roll I know I will have better weightloss Mojo. Now that I have finally made a decision.
I recently read a quote, I don’t remember exactly how it went but it was something like “the first time you do something and realize you should not have, you can call it an accident or a “slip” but the second time you do it, IT IS A DECISION”.
Something about that statement really rang true to me when it came to my overeating.
I’ve never really taken responsibility.. it was always “the stress” or “a need for comfort” etc.
I am going to work on catching these times and really trying to focus. I have learned that if I tell myself I can have it if I want it, but do I really want it? helps.. sort of like tell myself sure, “I can overeat right now but I had better own it”. It is a decision each and every time. I know the focus won’t always stop me but I will work on getting the process into to my psyche.
I have noticed It helps me be really in the moment for some reason.. accepting that I AM IN CONTROL and it is always MY decision to make.
I wrote this a couple of months ago.. I am feeling better but it’s a pretty raw post so I wanted to get it up for myself when I need to remember my WHY:
Today is going to be a very long post. Probably going to be writing all day. I really am fucked up.. it’s really bad. I have to figure out why I have let my character become that of someone that just doesn’t give a shit anymore. I’m constantly sabotaging myself. Constantly letting myself down over and over again.
It’s like I am in the most amazing stupid denial I have ever been in my whole life. I have got to figure out WHAT THE FUCK and get my ass in gear.
I have written “Emergency Files” to myself over the years with reasons I need to get this done so when I am failing I can pull them up… I am copying some of them here. I am going to figure this SHIT out. I’m going to hold myself accountable. FINALLY, FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL.
FROM SOME OF MY EMERGENCY FILES I HAVE WRITTEN OVER THE LAST YEAR: Reasons I hate being fat:
I have turned into A shut in. A hermit. I hate leaving the house. In order to leave the house I have to do so much to make myself feel comfortable enough to leave. To feel even halfway good enough about the way I look to actually leave the house. I have to do my hair, do my makeup…try on four outfits with spanx in order to find one outfit that I am not so self conscious in that I want to crawl into a dark hole. there’s no throwing on just a sexy pair of jeans and a cute shirt and twisting my hair up in a sexy chignon or such and walking out the door (this is a goal some day).
I want so much to be so comfortable in my skin that I can slip on jeans and a simple shirt and smile and be pretty and proud in a simple outfit…. It takes so much effort I just never leave the house anymore. I can’t wear any shoes other than fucking Crocs or Fitflops. How cool would it be to wear sexy heels. My feet can’t take it.. I have to wear the most ugly shoes in existence. Why have I done this to myself, why have I just said fuck it and allowed myself to turn into a fat ugly pig?
and OMG My body is in PAIN: I’ve had lower back pain for ages, and I mean YEARS… I have also had this sharp pain in my right inner thigh area right between my groin and upper leg area that flares up whenever the fuck it wants too and when it does its excruciating to walk. I also have this right hip pain.. it feels hot and inflamed. My feet hurt.. I hobble around like a 90 year old lady. I KNOW I am hurting myself carrying this EIGHTY EXTRA FUCKING POUNDS AROUND.
Sort of new is this nerve pain down the front of my thighs… that is some scary shit.. I am pretty sure it’s either a problem with a bulging disc or fucking nerve damage somehow.
I also have this deep tailbone ache ALWAYS and I know its from SITTING ON MY ASS ALL FUCKING DAY. it’s chronic now.. I fell a couple of years ago and I am sure fractured my tailbone a bit or something and I’ve been living with it for like two years.. every damn day of my life, taking a fucking car ride for more than 30 minutes is excruciating.
OH WAIT BUT THERE’S MORE! I can’t get comfortable at night.. when I lay on my back my thighs go numb..my normal way of sleeping for years has been on my side with an arm above my head under my pillow.. but now I have so much upper body fat and my arms are so fat it pushes the joint out too much and causes shoulder pain. If I try to sleep on my back my massive boobs make me feel like I am suffocating. I can never get comfortable and never sleep well at night unless I take a sleeping pill and doing that scares me because I am sure my breathing at night already isn’t great and I am afraid I might not wake up.
I have no energy. I can clean the kitchen for 15 minutes and have to have a sit down break!! Carrying an extra 80 pounds on my body all the time is exhausting!
Imagine how much energy I would have if I wasn’t lugging around ALL THIS EXTRA WEIGHT!!!!! I would feel like I could just fly.
God Damn It I am so tired of letting myself down for years, over and over.
WORSE THAN ANYTHING is breaking all my self promises.. talk about soul crushing. Breaking self-promises is the worst thing you can do. Letting yourself down over and over again.. knowing it is YOU THAT IS CONSTANTLY LYING TO YOURSELF.. you that is never taking care of yourself.. never loving yourself. I want to stop disappointing myself constantly. This last few years have been emotionally devastating on my self esteem. I want to keep self promises. I have to. I swear I am a shell of my former self.
AND HOLY SHIT do I ever want to stop constantly talking about losing weight to my HUSBAND AND FAMILY and actually finally, FINALLY be successful at it. I want to stop constantly talking and talking and talking about it, seriously this is a damn joke.. especially between my husband and myself… no more being such a flake! ! My husband must think I’m a ridiculous fucking mess.
I have talked about losing weight to him for 15 fucking years!!! DIET AFTER DIET AFTER GOD DAMN DIET, NEVER, EVER GETTING ANYWHERE. it’s stupid and absolutely insane. . I want him to see me successful… I am sure my entire family thinks I am fucking ridiculous. I never look forward to any family gathering. Especially if its family I have not seen in awhile like cousins. I am so self conscious with how much I have let myself go. I just hate getting together with anybody at all.. it takes constant self talk and encouragement to plan on seeing anyone. I no longer have any friends because I am NOT feeling confident enough to get out and join any friend groups or put myself out there. I hate this fat on my body and can’t stand to even look at myself in the mirror.. how can I expect to have friends want to spend time with me?.. . I AM VERY LONELY – but I’m so self conscious that I don’t ever go out and try to do anything about that and make new friends.
SADNESS.. I really believe I have no idea how normal feels anymore, much less how some one with abundant health feels. I wonder how it would feel to be 100 pounds lighter and totally pain free, full of joy..not constantly melancholy. To have bounding energy.. feel so light on my feet. I can’t imagine how it would feel to release 100 pounds and feel buoyant and light. Every movement seems to take monumental effort. I’m so tired.. I’m so sad. I’ve got to pull myself out of this.
I have become so fat… but even looking at myself through rose colored glasses or with love and compassion when looking in the mirror is not enough to make me enjoy looking at myself anymore. I used to love look at myself in the mirror,, love to spend time putting on makeup and taking care of making myself look nice. I want that back. I know I can look so much better. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I can be a beautiful middle aged woman I’m sure of it. Someone that feels amazing in my own skin again. I want that.
!!!!!!!! Just do it!! You’ve been fucking around with this weight loss for years and years. IT’S TIME TO JUST GET ON WITH IT… Think about all the time you’ve already lost… one thing I think that will be KEY for me is to stop dealing with decision fatigue and just pick a freaking eating plan AND STICK TO IT.
I settled on COUNTING CALORIES. No more switching diets.. back and forth.. STOP THAT SHIT!! Make it simple!! and make it EASY for a while damn it!!!!!! It’s ok to eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch for a while.. stop constantly having to think about food..
So that was a bunch of mental shit. I feel better.
All this focus lately on Intuitive, Mindful Eating has made me really delve into my psyche and I realize I am incredibly hard on myself and extremely demanding and militant in my thinking. I don’t give myself any credit for anything, ever. It’s always “DO BETTER”, you can do better…
Today I realized that in the last 18 months I HAVE GIVEN UP ALL SODA and STOPPED SMOKING!!! I never really drank the sugary soda stuff but I lived on diet sodas.. loving Diet Ginger Ale, Diet Rootbeer and my Holy Grail Diet Coke. I lived on Coke and Cigarettes.
My mother has MS and one day her Neurologist told her all the artificial sweeteners are causing brain lesions and a huge majority of MS cases are caused by this.. and also other neurological disease.. that scared the shit out of me and I quit cold turkey on ALL artificial sweetener then and there. The fact our government allows this crap in our food supply is disgusting and please never believe our food supply is safe. It’s just not and shit that’s an entire other post..
Now I have cases of Perrier, LaCroix and Pellegrino in the house and drink many varieties of teas (green, herbal and black and right now I am making strawberry iced green tea every morning and keeping a huge pitcher in the fridge), I also love filtered water with fruit, green juices, sparkling water with organic tart cherry juice (a natural anti-inflammatory) and coffee with coconut milk. I’m TOTALLY addicted to mineral water. I LOVE Passion Fruit LaCroix and Pellegrino.
I used an electronic cigarette to stop smoking. I had an aunt that I loved with all my heart, die from Lung Cancer. I promised her I would quit. I tried several times to just quit cold turkey and couldn’t. I got into Ecigs and used the ones you add your own vapor juice to and I stepped down in the nicotine percentage in the vapor juice until it was “0” and had no nicotine.. I continued to smoke that for a couple of months and finally just used it less and less… now I have a huge collection of flavored vapor juice and two Ecig units I am going to sell soon. I advise anyone trying to quit to give Ecigs a shot but buy a set of a unit you can put your own vapor juice in so you can step down in nicotine %.
So yes.. I need to honor my accomplishments more.. I do feel like a bit of a bad ass after re-reading the above. I’m proud of myself and I have not felt that in like.. forever.
Well you know.. crap! What can I say. I’m still FAT. I am getting my Mojo back though.. times they are a changin’. I’m changing.. I joined a gym. It only took me years to get up the mental fortitude to do that. I sort of just decided I didn’t give a damn anymore how people see me. I was so wrapped up in fear of disapproval, in people being disapproving of my body that I almost never leave the house. I let my life start living me instead of the other way around. I swear I had a bit of agoraphobia going on.
A couple of weeks ago I started to go out and get my mail and saw a chatty neighbor out in her yard and I turned around and went back in the house because I didn’t want her to see me. I didn’t want the interaction.
Right then and there it hit me I am fucked up.. mentally screwing myself. I decided I had to figure something out.
I thought about it for several days.. trying to decide what would work for me. It was constant self talk, I love my safe, comfy space. I like never having to get fucking dressed (being real here). I really have reduced my world.
I thought about joining a local group on Meetup.. then thought about going to my old Yoga class (it had been a year at least). Then thought about trips to a spa once a week (yes I am an indulgent soul).. I finally settled on actually joining a gym.