From my personal journal:
Thursday August 17
Oh God where do I EVEN fucking start.. my youngest sister J. is dead… I can hardly understand, can’t comprehend that I am writing this. I feel numb.. and it’s been almost 2 weeks. I have been in AR for days.. I still feel dumbfounded. I won’t go into the details but it’s all very fucked up and very hard to deal with..
I feel just in shock still.. and angry.
My sister S. and I drove up to Arkansas on fairly short notice.. we spent about 5 days at our dads. Then a day in NorthWest AR to visit S.’s daughter in law who is due with her 1st baby any second now.
and then 2 days with friends in Little Rock. Then 2 days on the road back to S’s and then a night there and then the rest of the drive home for me to Orlando.
My sister S has had recent surgery on her hand so I did all the driving. It was both incredibly stressful and also actually nice, life affirming time for S and I, which made me feel guilty with fleeting moments of warmth and happiness at the same time. We are the oldest sisters and have full lives and have not had “us” time just alone in many years.
But I am so emotionally and physically exhausted.. AR was so beautiful though.. especially NW AR.. I felt I actually decompressed a lot just looking at the beauty of the drive. Where I live in Orlando (3 miles from Disney’s main gate) is all concrete and facades.. not much nature for sure..
I was constantly reminded of how fat I am though, seeing family and old friends and felt defeated most of the time.. by allowing myself to eat so much crap while driving.. I felt ashamed but I didn’t stop, even when I noticed how much jiggle my fat thighs have as opposed to S’s almost tight thighs as we walked to Whole Foods one afternoon.. I had a fleeting thought to eat healthy but it didn’t last long. It was a stressful trip, I have a very bad relationship with a family member in AR and I love my father so I made myself be a mature adult and deal but… I am glad to be home for sure. OMG my own bed is like a dream.
The hubs and I had sex last night!!! First time in I what feels like a year.. It was wonderful.. we have been married 20 years this next year and used to have GREAT sex and I had very little inhibition but as the weight came on I learned to hate my body.. and never wanted sex very often.. I decided I would make it work last night, I needed to feel alive and loved.. lights out (of course!) and found a cute red nighty that was stretchy enough I could keep it on and have the girls out for lots of great boob loving from my hubs, (yes he’s a boob man for sure).. but still have my belly covered up.. it helps my mind greatly to have my belly covered up… It’s sad that I hate how my body looks but I just do.
I only gained 4 pounds on the trip which is crazy because I ate so much fucking junk.. constantly while driving.. which there was a total of 49 hours worth!!!.
I have started back counting calories and I am going to also work on inflammation in my body.. slowly adding in some foods and juices and sups.. a little at a time to help my inflammation.. I am still going to count calories of course though. I have to have SOMETHING that holds me accountable.
I am also considering joining Weight Watchers just for the meetings really.. I know how to count calories and lose weight but I feel like a meeting weekly (even to get me OUT OF THE HOUSE – I go for days and days and never leave the house) and maybe the possibility of making a couple of friends would be good. I don’t know if I will follow thru, especially if I have to PROVE I am counting points. I don’t think I will be forced to show that I am, if so I’ll consider it, I can’t imagine it’s any more time consuming than counting calories..
3 times today I had true struggles, I just about gave in and overate. I told myself to just deal, I have to just do it.. that today the ONLY responsibility I have given myself is to NOT OVEREAT AT ALL and to stay under 1700 calories. and also once after eating popcorn (I had already gotten up.. had images of toast with butter and jelly in my mind and was thinking of making some) after the bag of popcorn I wanted to pig out. But I caught myself and told myself I always liked La Croix after popcorn, the fizzy bubbles are great after all the salt, so I had two cans and then I was fine.. another time I just wanted to pig out, had fleeting thoughts of numbing myself more… but I managed to say again.. “THE ONLY RESPONSIBILITY I HAVE TODAY IS TO NOT OVEREAT”.. and I stayed on track.
At 4:30 I made a coffee (didn’t have any this AM) with 85 cal (quarter Cup) of my fav. Coconut milk I order form amazon and managed to make two cups out of that small amt. Of CO milk because it’s so rich!
I love the way it tastes in coffee.
So now it’s 5:30 and I am pretty sure I am ok until dinner which will be a nice salad with just raw veg (lettuce, cucumber, tomato, onion and shredded carrot and balsamic) and an Amy’s Organics Red Curry dinner.. and I saved room for 50 cal worth of dark chocolate. I like having this, I don’t love it enough to binge on it but it’s a nice food signaling the “food ending” of the day.
I am reading a weight loss success story book (have several in my kindle app), so many of them have these moments that trigger them to lose weight, something substantial.. I think to myself I don’t have one like that but then I realize.. I sort of do, I want to LIVE a more full life. I am only half alive. I am sort of a shut in, I’m drifting with no true drive to do ANYTHING a huge majority of the time. I have been a jewelry designer for a very long time and that creative desire has really waned. I closed my websites when we went to AR and I am really not feeling like getting back in gear there.
I am going to really work on writing daily.. to really work out what I feel and think as I go thru this because I am going to do this.. and I am going to change., I am going to lose this weight that is holding me down emotionally and physically and LIVE a more full-fulled life… more authentically me.
I realize in truth I have just given up. It’s occurred to me that maybe it’s a self preservation thing, so much mental anguish over being so fat wears you down. So many times I was disappointed in myself and saddened by my life.. not noticed at clubs with friends, not asked to dance, not flirted with like friends standing right beside me were… not feeling I look as amazing dressed up as other friends and having to take SO MUCH DAMNED EFFORT to even look decent, forget sexy.. or yet notice once again I am the fattest person at a family reunion or weekend gathering.. or wedding, or in any room in general.. etc.. always never succeeding.. so I think instead of letting myself hurt over and over again I just subconsciously gave up.. and now I have to find that true drive and desire again. I sure hope it’s still there… if so I am sure it’s buried really deep.. self preservation you know.
Because I am serious about recommitting I took my measurements yesterday and I want to know where I am starting..
under boobs 40.75
hips under fat belly 49
Rt thigh: 29.75
Lt thigh 29
Rt calf 18
Lt Calf 17
Friday August 18
I did it.. I kept on track yesterday.. I even ate pretty low at 1250 cal. I am happy this AM.. it’s a tentative happiness because.. I know.. I know how easy and how Often I have let myself down and I am not going to just think.. “ok.. I’m good”.. I am not good.. I have allot of work to do.
I was thinking this AM How I want to wear white.. all white.. I would LOVE a pair of white jeans and also a beautiul white sundress.. something light and floaty and crisp. And cool omg.. it’s so fucking hot here right now.. 98 degees at 10am.
I have not been walking.. I think about starting some exercise in the house but I am just not ready.. I really enjoy walking and listening to my shuffle ipod.. but I refuse to set the alarm early.. I mean I would have to walk at 5 because the heat is actually dangerous to me (I have dealt with heat exhaustion and fainting because of my “fat suit”)and right now I know my sleep is precious so I am going to start out just counting calories.. I have also been recording a yoga class.. I could.. might.. I would be able to do one class 3x a week. It’s on my mind at least. I am not forcing anything right now.. the only change is counting calories and working on anti-inflammatory foods.. for now.