Thoughts on Dealing with the next Urge to Binge~


, ,

Ok, so you’re not greedy and indulgent you’ve got an addicted brain pathway because you ate addictively in your past because your brain figured out it relaxed, calmed and numbed you. PLUS we live in a food worshiping, food addicted culture. Forgive yourself. Allow yourself to experience your compulsion to overeat and make peace with it.

It actually is the act of non-reinforcement that breaks the neural pathways of addiction. The current desire to, compulsion to overeat actually means you have not been overeating lately! Celebrate that!! Don’t feel guilty about the desire, feel it, don’t feed it and breathe through it struggle through, remain unsatisfied. Breathe, then it will pass and you will begin to put your addiction to rest. Lay it to rest.

It gets a tiny it gets a tiny bit easier every single time and you get stronger every time, also your reward is self-esteem and a growing happiness.

Love yourself. Stop punishing yourself by doing things you know will you will regret later on. The way you eat has incredible impact on your self-esteem. Start building your self-esteem. Make good food choices very often and your self-esteem will build.


I’ve been trying to describe how I feel right before I make a decision to binge or eat way too much… It feels sort of like an emptiness even though I know I’m not hungry it’s like a quiet under the surface angst… an uneasiness,  sort of a niggle of anxiety.. feeling unsettled.. it starts this way but then it can roll on into a desperation. Sort of like I am gasping for air but I’m gasping for food…but I never let get it passed mild angst anymore.. then after I pig out I feel free and calmed and unrestrained and released…

I want to work on noticing when I get that angst, that restless feeling and knowing right there, right then is an opportunity! You are right then in the middle of your addicted desire. It’s a good time to work on skills that help me deal. I know that if I pig out in order to get rid of that discomfort I am also reinforcing that addicted brain pathway.. That is not the answer .. NOT GIVING IN TO THE DISCOMFORT.. is the answer.. just feeling it, just let it go through it’s stages and feel it.

Is it Addiction?



I have allot to say about this.. I am learning, I am delving deep. I’m studying the brain and addiction and habit. I got into it a couple of years ago reading “Brain over Binge”. Now anything having to do with changing bad habits I am reading up on.. I also am reading about addiction in general. About “habit forming” or “addicted” brain pathways or “ruts” as some call them.. Brain over Binge is a great book. I don’t necessarily believe I need a 12 step program.. I don’t believe in telling yourself you are powerless.. just the opposite I think I need to build my weakened character and view of my self and also work on my self esteem and I do believe and have read often that “Our brains change as we change”. I had a 10 day stretch (up to yesterday) with no overeating or binging.. staying on track but yesterday I gave in.

I pigged out yesterday and for the 1st time in 10 days and I didn’t track my food. I know this is a work in progress and I need to work my coping skills I am slowly learning as I study (ONE thing that really helps me is to think of the voice in my head when the urge to overeat strikes as a bratty child demanding candy at a store.. I would just roll my eyes and ignore them.. In Brain over Binge she talks about just acknowledging the thoughts without acting on them.. just letting them float away, so that’s sort of what I try to do. I also try to remember that if I pig out I am reinforcing the addicted brain pathway.. and that my brain will change as I change).. yesterday I didn’t even try, I just gave in and pigged out but I am not beating myself up.. today is a new day and I am back on track.

I think reading up on addiction in general is helping. I do see similarities to drug and alcohol addiction in my food issues.

I am currently reading “RECOVER!” by Peele.. it’s an oldie but goodie.. many recovery centers use his work (he’s not 12 step at all) and also I just learned of another person more current that is a student of his work and just yesterday downloaded his book “The Abstinence Myth”.

I will be writing more. I have been dealing with overeating and binge eating for 20 years. I am fucking over it.

OMG My Fucking Mind is a Trip!!!


, , ,

So I’ve been diving deep into being aware of my screwed up issues with food and I JUST REALIZED THE WORD “TREAT” IS A FUCKING TRIGGER for me! I am reading a book and they used treat in a sentence about foods and I INSTANTLY wanted to get up and eat something sweet. The only thing I have in the house that is even remotely sweet is a Clif bar so a Clif bar came to mind. I am not the least bit hungry.. I worked on rethinking “treat” and thought about what a treat it would be to buy a gorgeous, expensive organza or silky designer blouse and worked on feeling the fabric in my mind.. trying to re-work the idea of treat.. One of the things I really want is to get this weight off once and for all and STOP yo-yoing up and down in size so I can buy some beautiful clothes that I can justify the price of because I can wear them forever!

But I swear my brain.. good fucking lord.

STOP Abandoning Myself



I HAVE BEEN THINKING I NEED TO SOMEHOW GET IN WORDS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I feel strong and it’s a very foreign feeling.. I want to try to describe it for my future self because I know I will have a shift away from this feeling sometime soon. Especially as the holidays come in and I want to comfort myself (my parents have moved away and my sister moved a couple of years ago so this holiday season will feel just wrong.)

I want to be able to reconnect with this feeling I am having right now because I am motivated and so well focused.. So here I will try to get it down:

How I feel.. an urgency, FEAR, deep need, desire and ache in my heart, it feels like an energy (chakra?) almost in a panic of continuing to let myself down, wanting desperately to break out of the sadness and stop constantly abandoning myself.. . These feelings are making me resigned to the fact I have to change… It’s no longer a choice.



RECENTLY I realized I have been sabotaging my actual weightloss by constantly focusing on WAY TOO MUCH in the way of “healthy eating”. Studying Vegan, Raw foods, Natural Hygiene, Gluten free, Paleo.. seriously it goes on.. I have bought probably 20+ books so far this year and READ IT ALL and only managed to fucking overloading my psyche with so much I was paralyzed for months

I believe you have to really make a decision before you can ever thruly move forward and I could not decide so I went back and forth and here and there. It has been THE ABSOLUTE WORST!!!! The worst year ever and I won’t even get into Covid and the depression and isolation because I am sure everyone is on the same page with that.

So with constantly starting a new eating plan, over and over. Never really getting ANYWHERE I was paralyzed and honestly FUCKING CRAZY, absolutely mad and you know you can find something you resonate with in just about EVERY eating style.. and some of it once you KNOW IT you can’t un-know it.

I finally decided to stop all the silly shit and eat whatever the hell I want and just count the calories. I knew if I didn’t I was going to just continue in the same hell.

Do you deal with paralysis from way too much analysis? It is a THING God damn it!

One Week Back on Track



I swore in January I was going to start counting calories.. It’s taken 9 months. I have had so much self doubt, self sabotage, hell self abandonment really. Constantly letting myself down has been soul crushing. I won’t say “I’ve finally got it”.. actually I am scared to death to continue to let myself down.

One week in and I’m down 4.6 pounds. Just with CICO (keeping a range of 1500-1800) I wish I could feel so much encouragement but I don’t, at least not yet.

I have a lot to say. I’ll post more later. I will say now that weight loss for me is like 80% mental work. I have also been reading several books on addiction. It’s amazing to me how much my relationship to some foods mirrors an alcoholic or drug addict’s behavior.

I’m Stepping out of this Funk..


, ,


I have to. I realize my mind is in trouble.. I am deep in confusion and depression.. I know Covid has much to do with it but I was in trouble long before Covid.

I am starting to study ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I can on the brain and Neuroplasticity because I have negative, repetitive thougths.. and repetitive thoughts in general.

I’ve been stuck in a vicious circle for 10+ years and much of it is diet but also a mental self helplessness that I have allowed to develop and grow. It’s hard to describe but I am luckily still healthy enough to see how my mind is working against me.

I watched a Rich Roll podcast today with Andrew Huberman and I need to go down that brain rabbit hole starting with him.

I also just bought a new book:

“The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time” By Alex Korb


One supplement I’ve recently purchased and read much about for brain health is..BAICALEIN – extract of the herb Skullcap (anti-inflammatory and neuro-protective qualities). There are others I will write about as I decide what else I want to supplement. I am bad to buy a ridiculous amount of supplements and then a couple of months later not even remember why I bought them.. so I am taking my time and doing much research. Several I am looking into are:

Apigenin • Luteolin • Baicalein • Resveratrol • Rutin • Catechin • Curcumin


I am also going to work on building new, healthy habits. Very first one a daily walk. My mind tells me I have to have the right tennis shoes, the right sports bra, the right podcast, the right walking outfit, the fucking right pony tail. My mind is a neurotic mess right now.

Stawberry Lime Smoothies



I made Patrick and I some delicious smoothies for lunch. I am surprised that I am still full and it’s 5pm.

I added spinach to mine.. it looks like I added cacao but not! Patrick didn’t feel the greens today LOL!

I just use fresh lime juice, frozen strawberries, raw honey (and fresh spinach in mine).. tons of ice and yum!

Raw foods and fasting and juicing are all I can think about lately.

Gearing Up for a 10 Day Juice Fast~

I’ve fallen back into eating processed crap and I’m reigning myself in again.  I had started counting calories to lose weight but find that I allow myself to eat freaking WHATEVER as long as it fits my calorie count for the day..  Junk food really.. I’m not 18 anymore and I know my HEALTH IS MY WEALTH and I’m making changes..

I’ve done several juice fasts.. One thing I love about them (there are many) is the way it resets your food cravings.. you actually CRAVE whole healthy foods..   I also love to do a juice fast close to the Equinox each season.. Sort of a way to re-focus on my health and taking care of my body.

So in getting ready I am no longer having processed foods (ya I will miss the crackers) and I am also giving up dairy and meat.. and I have planned several good Vegan meals (not truly Vegan here but I am eating more Vegan meals) I am going to cook in bulk and prep so I have foods available.

I am also going back to lots of fruit and green smoothies until 4PM..  Basically Raw Till 4 most days.

I usually Intermittant Fast until noon -1PM so eating lots of fruit first and then a green smoothie a couple hours later holds me until 4pm..

Tonight I am doing stirfried broccoli with pineapple, onions, carrots, red bell pepper, orange zest, TONS of ginger, a bit of chili flakes and Nama Shoyu. 

I love the Forbidden Rice (a wonderful nutty flavored black rice) & I will have a bit of it on the side.

I’ve ordered some Evening Primrose Oil (from an original protocol years ago.. really good for women when fasting) to take while on my Juice Fast.. and also some Milk Thistle tincture to support my poor liver thru the detox. I also have some Black Elderberry syrup I will have a Tablespoon of every day because it will be flu season soon.

I’ll post my juice fast here as I go along.. I am starting October 7th.

Skanky Dieting Whore


, , , , ,


I keep thinking about all my hot, past weight loss affairs…  I swear I’ve been with hundreds and hundreds of diets. 

I’ve given my body over so freely to way too many diets.  It’s all so disappointing.  I wish I was a “fresh dieter”.. all full of honeymoon hope. I feel like a nasty, skanky dieting whore. Like I need a shot of diet penicillin.

I have got to get my dieting past out of my brain. I need a diet Baptismal. I need to forgive my weight loss past sins and feel fresh again.. I need hope anew.