Salmon Patties & Citrus Fennel Salad

I have not been cooking a lot.  I am trying to make this easy on myself until I really get well on my way so I eat too much processed, packaged stuff but it’s good for portion control and easy to figure calories on.  I will be moving away from so much processed as I progress in my weight loss.

I still do cook occasionally and I have made a couple of really good things and want to have them posted here for my records.. One is a GREAT Salmon Patty recipe.

My nana used to make Salmon Croquettes and good lord they were good.. I’ve always loved them and wanted to figure out something that was as low in calories as I could get (and still taste amazing) and also it has to be Gluten Free because I have Hashimotos Thyroid.

So here is the recipe I’ve come up with after many trials!

SALMON PATTIES:

1 can wild caught salmon picked thru to remove all skin and bone.. I removed allot and it ended up being around 250 grams of fish left.

Good squirt key lime juice (i keep a good quality Key Lime juice in my fridge – fresh lime of course would work great).

1 half onion chopped very fine (Important it’s chopped really fine)

2 large pinches Old Bay Seasoning

4 egg whites

1 large celery stalk finely chopped

1 large pinch dill weed

4 T Coconut flour (binds well and gluten free – you really can’t taste the coconut flour, honest!)

Mix well, make 4 patties.

Cook in Pam 6 min on each side.. turn very carefully..

These are GOOD but very delicate so I let them sit in the pan until room temp after cooking so they held together fairly well when served.

Just serve with lime or lemon slices and a nice salad.. (salad I make with them below).

If your fish when weighed is approx 250 grams (after removing all bone and skin) they will be approx 125 cal each.

 

FENNEL AND CITRUS SALAD:

1fennel

Thin Sliced Fennel Salad Marinated in OJ

This is from my raw foodist days:

2 Bulbs fennel (I take a potato peeler and peel off any dark or browning edges on outside layer but you can totally remove outside layer if it’s too bad).

Slice fennel in food processor (can shred but I like it better just thin sliced)

1 C OJ to marinate fennel in

marinate sliced fennel overnight and drain…

Rest of salad:

1 cucumber cut in cubes (no seeds – cut only outside length of cucumber so no seeds are present and make ¼ inch cubes)

1/3 C slivers of red bell pepper

1/3 C thin slice green onion

1/3  shredded carrot

2 oranges sectioned or 1 can mandarin oranges (In splenda)

celery salt on sprinkled on top of salad before serving

drain fennel.. toss all other veggies.. plate fennel, add other veggies on top, add oranges over that and sprinkle with celery..

I LOVE this salad!  It does not need any other dressing but if you just have to have a dressing it’s good with lemon juice and olive oil.  You can double or triple to make it a dinner salad as is.

 

 

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I’ve Lost 5 Pounds

1omgfat

I’ve lost 5 pounds in the last week.  It is water weight I know but it’s cool.  I am finally getting a bit of a routine going and It’s nice to see what I am doing is working.  I don’t care if it’s slow going.

I weighed 229.6 yesterday morning and I am not weighing again for several days never wanna see 230 again!!

1pop

I found a little treat we really like.. It’s this 100 cal salted Carmel frozen yogurt pop.  Really good..

I am truly getting more motivated to start walking again.  It’s SO DAMN HOT here though and with it being average 90% humidity it’s just not been doable for me.  Walking during the day makes my heart race and I get heart palps and it honestly takes me over an hour to recover from the heat.  I am thinking of setting the alarm for like 5AM!  I think I could deal with it being 80deg. then.  But so far I am ONLY thinking about it!

One thing interesting I have learned (or re-learned really) is that a HUGE MAJORITY of the time I think I am hungry I am actually thirsty.  I drink LaCroix often.. I find many times I am no longer hungry when I will drink one.  Every little bit helps.

I had a fight with the hubs yesterday over something stupid but I got so upset I threw a mini tantrum and ate too much chocolate AND a YOGURT pop at the end of the day when I only had set aside 50 calories for my Ghirardelli dark chocolate almond square.

My daily calories were pretty low before dinner so I came in at 1865 calories so I really only ended up going over 165 calories over my high end max to lose, but but I have got to stop emotionally eating.  It’s such bull shit.  I am only hurting myself in the long run and right now I am a whining, crying bag of emotions anyway.. every damn thing upsets me.  I know it’s because I am really using food much less often for comfort.

I keep thinking about going back to low carb. I know more than likely I have a problem with grains and have a couple of itchy spots that have cropped up on my arm.  I used to have really bad eczema but when I went low carb it went away.. But instead of just telling myself “self just stop eating grains” I keep trying to tell myself I need to go on low carb again! This is how my fucked up mind works.  I constantly used to jump from one diet to the next over and over for years.   I am not doing that anymore. I am counting calories and I’m eating whatever the hell I want to right now, if it gets out of hand I will stop grains but I had way too many other issues with low carb… I know that it is the extreme dieting and the deprivation mindset that really SCREWS me up every time.

I found a yoga studio about a half hour from my house.. I am considering a few classes.  Maybe.

 

Rollercoaster

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piggy

Ya, a few ups and downs this last 3 days.

I had a pig out two days ago.  I want to document as much as I can of my weight loss journey with total honesty.  I did great for 6 days and good till night time two days ago & then I just gave in. I reached for PB2 and I KNEW in the back of my mind it was not a good idea. I already had all my calories totaled for the day with dinner already included (I’ve been doing this lots and when I can it really helps) but I consciously made the choice and made the peanut butter and ate it.. then toast and butter with jelly.. 3 pieces.. and then a bunch of grapes and a Lindt chocolate square. I was uncomfortably full.. still had to make dinner (hubs) but I hardly ate any because I was so full.. I fucked my weight loss Mojo.

I also destroyed a chance to make a change, to work on my eating decisions. I have been studying neuroplasticity and I KNOW my overeating is a learned behavior I can change.. I want to work on my mentally ingrained overeating habits. I’ve read 3 books on the science.. I believe it can help but if I don’t WORK it I am wasting my time. I had been waiting for the first REAL temptation so I could start some behavior changes.. this was my first thought when I woke today.. the opportunity presented itself and I blew it. I am not going to dwell on it.  I am sure the opportunity will show itself again.  Probably in another week.

This AM I didn’t get on the scale because I KNEW it would just start my day off with a downer. I will weigh in Monday.

Yesterday I did good.. I felt like I was eating all day but I waited until I was truly hungry, forgoing even the coconut milk and coffee so I was in a fasted state as long as I could be, without forcing it and I was not hungry at all until noon.  I ate when I was hungry… really snacked thru the day.. had carrot hummus, 

I love this stuff!  It’s only 50 cal an ounce and I have lots of raw veg dippers.. I usually have 3 or so ounces of it and fill up on raw cucumber, celery and red bell.  I also had an apple and an ounce of walnuts.. and a few other snack type meals.. every 2-3 hours… right now I am afraid of much hunger.

Also made an amazing recipe for dinner I will share soon.. it was gluten free salmon patties and they turned out amazing.. 2 nice size patties only 240 calories.

Skanky Dieting Whore

1slutI keep thinking about all my past weight loss affairs.. they feel in the millions.. I’ve given my body over so freely to way too many diets.  It’s all so disappointing.  I wish I was a “fresh dieter”.. all full of honeymoon hope. I feel like a nasty, skanky dieting whore. Like I need a shot of diet penicillin.

I have got to get my dieting past out of my brain. I need a Baptismal. I need to forgive my weight loss past sins and feel fresh again.. I need hope anew.

Life Is Fucking Short

Well I have been successfully counting calories for 4 days.   It’s been interesting, almost like I am on automatic, not even really having to fight it, I haven’t had any cravings, any desire to overeat, it’s like I’ve been somewhat changed.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night with thoughts of my sister J. and wrote in my journal because I couldn’t sleep- that J’s death has taught me life can damn well be fucking short.  It can all be over in a split second and I’m going to stop dicking around, stop fucking around and pussying out constantly and get this weight off once and for all.

I am going to stop wasting this gift I’ve been given, seriously isn’t life to gift? It sure as shit can be taken away from you at any fucking second.  J’s death was an accident, she was only 36 years old. It really hit me last night how for her it was all gone.  It finally sunk in that it can happen, it can all be gone, everything could be over in a short second.  It puts so much into a different perspective. 

I have got to stop wasting my precious time.  

I wanted to say somehow have something good come from the loss of her but that’s fucking pure shit.   Only maybe a lesson I can learn.  No more wasting time.

Death..

From my personal journal:

Thursday August 17

Oh God where do I EVEN fucking start.. my youngest sister J. is dead… I can hardly understand, can’t comprehend that I am writing this. I feel numb.. and it’s been almost 2 weeks. I have been in AR for days.. I still feel dumbfounded. I won’t go into the details but it’s all very fucked up and very hard to deal with..

I feel just in shock still.. and angry.

My sister S. and I drove up to Arkansas on fairly short notice.. we spent about 5 days at our dads. Then a day in NorthWest AR to visit S.’s daughter in law who is due with her 1st baby any second now.

and then 2 days with friends in Little Rock. Then 2 days on the road back to S’s and then a night there and then the rest of the drive home for me to Orlando.

My sister S has had recent surgery on her hand so I did all the driving. It was both incredibly stressful and also actually  nice, life affirming time for S and I, which made me feel guilty with fleeting moments of warmth and happiness at the same time. We are the oldest sisters and have full lives and have not had “us” time just alone in many years.

But I am so emotionally and physically exhausted.. AR was so beautiful though.. especially NW AR.. I felt I actually decompressed a lot just looking at the beauty of the drive. Where I live in Orlando (3 miles from Disney’s main gate) is all concrete and facades.. not much nature for sure..

I was constantly reminded of how fat I am though, seeing family and old friends and felt defeated most of the time.. by allowing myself to eat so much crap while driving.. I felt ashamed but I didn’t stop, even when I noticed how much jiggle my fat thighs have as opposed to S’s almost tight thighs as we walked to Whole Foods one afternoon.. I had a fleeting thought to eat healthy but it didn’t last long. It was a stressful trip, I have a very bad relationship with a family member in AR and I love my father so I made myself be a mature adult and deal but… I am glad to be home for sure. OMG my own bed is like a dream.

The hubs and I had sex last night!!! First time in I what feels like a year.. It was wonderful.. we have been married 20 years this next year and used to have GREAT sex and I had very little inhibition but as the weight came on I learned to hate my body.. and never wanted sex very often.. I decided I would make it work last night, I needed to feel alive and loved.. lights out (of course!) and found a cute red nighty that was stretchy enough I could keep it on and have the girls out for lots of great boob loving from my hubs, (yes he’s a boob man for sure).. but still have my belly covered up.. it helps my mind greatly to have my belly covered up… It’s sad that I hate how my body looks but I just do.

I only gained 4 pounds on the trip which is crazy because I ate so much fucking junk.. constantly while driving.. which there was a total of 49 hours worth!!!.

I have started back counting calories and I am going to also work on inflammation in my body.. slowly adding in some foods and juices and sups.. a little at a time to help my inflammation.. I am still going to count calories of course though. I have to have SOMETHING that holds me accountable.

I am also considering joining Weight Watchers just for the meetings really.. I know how to count calories and lose weight but I feel like a meeting weekly (even to get me OUT OF THE HOUSE – I go for days and days and never leave the house) and maybe the possibility of making a couple of friends would be good.  I don’t know if I will follow thru, especially if I have to PROVE I am counting points. I don’t think I will be forced to show that I am, if so I’ll consider it, I can’t imagine it’s any more time consuming than counting calories..

3 times today I had true struggles, I just about gave in and overate. I told myself to just deal, I have to just do it.. that today the ONLY responsibility I have given myself is to NOT OVEREAT AT ALL and to stay under 1700 calories. and also once after eating popcorn (I had already gotten up.. had images of toast with butter and jelly in my mind and was thinking of making some) after the bag of popcorn I wanted to pig out. But I caught myself and told myself I always liked La Croix after popcorn, the fizzy bubbles are great after all the salt, so I had two cans and then I was fine.. another time I just wanted to pig out, had fleeting thoughts of numbing myself more… but I managed to say again.. “THE ONLY RESPONSIBILITY I HAVE TODAY IS TO NOT OVEREAT”.. and I stayed on track.

At 4:30 I made a coffee (didn’t have any this AM) with 85 cal (quarter Cup) of my fav. Coconut milk I order form amazon and managed to make two cups out of that small amt. Of CO milk because it’s so rich!

I love the way it tastes in coffee.

So now it’s 5:30 and I am pretty sure I am ok until dinner which will be a nice salad with just raw veg (lettuce, cucumber, tomato, onion and shredded carrot and balsamic) and an Amy’s Organics Red Curry dinner.. and I saved room for 50 cal worth of dark chocolate. I like having this, I don’t love it enough to binge on it but it’s a nice food signaling the “food ending” of the day.

I am reading a weight loss success story book (have several in my kindle app), so many of them have these moments that trigger them to lose weight, something substantial.. I think to myself I don’t have one like that but then I realize.. I sort of do, I want to LIVE a more full life. I am only half alive.  I am sort of a shut in, I’m drifting with no true drive to do ANYTHING a huge majority of the time.  I have been a jewelry designer for a very long time and that creative desire has really waned.  I closed my websites when we went to AR and I am really not feeling like getting back in gear there. 

I am going to really work on writing daily.. to really work out what I feel and think as I go thru this because I am going to do this.. and I am going to change., I am going to lose this weight that is holding me down emotionally and physically and LIVE a more full-fulled life… more authentically me.

I realize in truth I have just given up.  It’s occurred to me that maybe it’s a self preservation thing, so much mental anguish over being so fat wears you down.  So many times I was disappointed in myself and saddened by my life.. not noticed at clubs with friends, not asked to dance, not flirted with like friends standing right beside me were… not feeling I look as amazing dressed up as other friends and having to take SO MUCH DAMNED EFFORT to even look decent, forget sexy.. or yet notice once again I am the fattest person at a family reunion or weekend gathering.. or wedding, or in any room in general.. etc.. always never succeeding.. so I think instead of letting myself hurt over and over again I just subconsciously gave up.. and now I have to find that true drive and desire again. I sure hope it’s still there… if so I am sure it’s buried really deep.. self preservation you know.

Because I am serious about recommitting I took my measurements yesterday and I want to know where I am starting..

MEASUREMENTS:

waist 42

boobs 49.5

under boobs 40.75

neck 14.5

hips 52.75

hips under fat belly 49

Rt thigh: 29.75

Lt thigh 29

Rt calf 18

Lt Calf 17

Friday August 18

I did it.. I kept on track yesterday.. I even ate pretty low at 1250 cal. I am happy this AM.. it’s a tentative happiness because.. I know.. I know how easy and how Often I have let myself down and I am not going to just think.. “ok.. I’m good”.. I am not good.. I have allot of work to do.

I was thinking this AM How I want to wear white.. all white.. I would LOVE a pair of white jeans and also a beautiul white sundress.. something light and floaty and crisp. And cool omg.. it’s so fucking hot here right now.. 98 degees at 10am.

I have not been walking.. I think about starting some exercise in the house but I am just not ready.. I really enjoy walking and listening to my shuffle ipod.. but I refuse to set the alarm early.. I mean I would have to walk at 5 because the heat is actually dangerous to me (I have dealt with heat exhaustion and fainting because of my “fat suit”)and right now I know my sleep is precious so I am going to start out just counting calories.. I have also been recording a yoga class.. I could.. might.. I would be able to do one class 3x a week. It’s on my mind at least. I am not forcing anything right now.. the only change is counting calories and working on anti-inflammatory foods.. for now.

Just Decide…

decide

My thoughts on weight-loss lately:

Over the last few years I have jumped from diet to diet always looking for “my” perfect plan.  Never keeping to a plan for any length of time.  I realized recently this is “Procrastination thru Perfectionism”.  Always looking for “perfect” anything is bull shit.

So I told myself “Just stop fucking around,  just decide. Period. Just decide to do something and then do it”.  MAKE A FINAL DECISION AND STICK TO IT.

My three favorite “diets” are the Low Carb diet, the Raw food Diet and Paleo.

I finally realized that at times I am drawn to one or the other normally because of the way I have been eating the few previous days/weeks.. like days I have allot of protein I will then desire lots of raw foods the next few days.. and I would SWITCH TO A RAW FOOD DIET!  and then after a couple of weeks of lots of light foods, raw salads and fruits I would want Paleo or more meat so SWITCH back to Low Carb or Paleo full time…  I would throw away foods that didn’t fit or work with my plan and start all over!  I recently thru away a very expensive jar of Manuka honey when I yet again switched to Low Carb… I am so all or nothing, black or white… seeking perfection.

Now I know that this is my pattern.  I know now that I can eat as my body needs at the time and JUST COUNT CALORIES.  I have the type of personality where I need accountability and counting calories is it.

Once I get on a good roll I know I will have better weightloss Mojo.   Now that I have finally made a decision.

Fav Breakfast Lately

Wanted to document this meal because it really keeps me satiated for hours.  I am not hungry for breakfast normally but I have coffee with 100 calories of half and half first thing with Patrick but than am not hungry till usually noonish.  

CALORIE BREAKDOWN:

Half Cup Egg Whites…50 

3 T Patmesean 60

65 Gm Red Bell 20

3 T Chopped Shallots 40

Gf Toast 90

7 Gm Butter 50

3 Turkey Sausage links 130

Passion Fruit Lacroix w/ Real Lemon Strawberry Lemonade (stevia sweetened)…0 calories

440 Calories

Fits & Starts

My sweet Puggie Sukiyaki and some morning cofffee…

Well the last few days have been like this:  Do great for a day or two then lose it late day and eat too much.  Then repeat.

Yesterday I lost control (really need to own it and say I gave up control because I didn’t LOSE control I gave up on my focus) around 5pm and over ate.  I sort of in my mind kept track of what I was pigging out in so when I got ahold of myself I added it up, added an extra 50 calories for good measure and skipped dinner and was at 1670 cal so I saved that day and was down a half pound this AM.

I know the first couple of weeks are going to be like a druggie coming clean and that there will be lots of mental B.S. with that.  My brain for sure is tricky and I know I tend to be in major denial and have lies I tell myself and I notice I have almost a split personality.   Part of me is desperate to beat this and make breakthroughs and another part of me totally shuts all that out and just wants to focus on pigging out and the fuzzy, warm, comfortable, tranquilized feeling that I get with it.

I’ve read a couple of books on beating food addiction.. One “Brain over Binge” and another “Eating Less: Saying Goodbye to Overeating” both of these are GREAT books and really opened my eyes to the fact that overeating is an ingrained brain pathway, neuro-net and it can be changed.

I am working in some mental triggers I can hopefully put in place and build from to keep my focus and thwart the other “voice”.  I will try a couple and see what works.  I am reading my  “Rock Bottom”   post daily to help me focus and adding to it as I need so I can have all my pain nice and stashed away for my review as needed LOL!  I tend to let myself forget what the fuck is ACTUALLY happening in my reality.