Ok, so you’re not greedy and indulgent you’ve got an addicted brain pathway because you ate addictively in your past because your brain figured out it relaxed, calmed and numbed you. PLUS we live in a food worshiping, food addicted culture. Forgive yourself. Allow yourself to experience your compulsion to overeat and make peace with it.
It actually is the act of non-reinforcement that breaks the neural pathways of addiction. The current desire to, compulsion to overeat actually means you have not been overeating lately! Celebrate that!! Don’t feel guilty about the desire, feel it, don’t feed it and breathe through it struggle through, remain unsatisfied. Breathe, then it will pass and you will begin to put your addiction to rest. Lay it to rest.
It gets a tiny it gets a tiny bit easier every single time and you get stronger every time, also your reward is self-esteem and a growing happiness.
Love yourself. Stop punishing yourself by doing things you know will you will regret later on. The way you eat has incredible impact on your self-esteem. Start building your self-esteem. Make good food choices very often and your self-esteem will build.
ALSO:
I’ve been trying to describe how I feel right before I make a decision to binge or eat way too much… It feels sort of like an emptiness even though I know I’m not hungry it’s like a quiet under the surface angst… an uneasiness, sort of a niggle of anxiety.. feeling unsettled.. it starts this way but then it can roll on into a desperation. Sort of like I am gasping for air but I’m gasping for food…but I never let get it passed mild angst anymore.. then after I pig out I feel free and calmed and unrestrained and released…
I want to work on noticing when I get that angst, that restless feeling and knowing right there, right then is an opportunity! You are right then in the middle of your addicted desire. It’s a good time to work on skills that help me deal. I know that if I pig out in order to get rid of that discomfort I am also reinforcing that addicted brain pathway.. That is not the answer .. NOT GIVING IN TO THE DISCOMFORT.. is the answer.. just feeling it, just let it go through it’s stages and feel it.
I have allot to say about this.. I am learning, I am delving deep. I’m studying the brain and addiction and habit. I got into it a couple of years ago reading “Brain over Binge”. Now anything having to do with changing bad habits I am reading up on.. I also am reading about addiction in general. About “habit forming” or “addicted” brain pathways or “ruts” as some call them.. Brain over Binge is a great book. I don’t necessarily believe I need a 12 step program.. I don’t believe in telling yourself you are powerless.. just the opposite I think I need to build my weakened character and view of my self and also work on my self esteem and I do believe and have read often that “Our brains change as we change”. I had a 10 day stretch (up to yesterday) with no overeating or binging.. staying on track but yesterday I gave in.
I pigged out yesterday and for the 1st time in 10 days and I didn’t track my food. I know this is a work in progress and I need to work my coping skills I am slowly learning as I study (ONE thing that really helps me is to think of the voice in my head when the urge to overeat strikes as a bratty child demanding candy at a store.. I would just roll my eyes and ignore them.. In Brain over Binge she talks about just acknowledging the thoughts without acting on them.. just letting them float away, so that’s sort of what I try to do. I also try to remember that if I pig out I am reinforcing the addicted brain pathway.. and that my brain will change as I change).. yesterday I didn’t even try, I just gave in and pigged out but I am not beating myself up.. today is a new day and I am back on track.
I think reading up on addiction in general is helping. I do see similarities to drug and alcohol addiction in my food issues.
I am currently reading “RECOVER!” by Peele.. it’s an oldie but goodie.. many recovery centers use his work (he’s not 12 step at all) and also I just learned of another person more current that is a student of his work and just yesterday downloaded his book “The Abstinence Myth”.
I will be writing more. I have been dealing with overeating and binge eating for 20 years. I am fucking over it.
I wrote this a couple of months ago.. I am feeling better but it’s a pretty raw post so I wanted to get it up for myself when I need to remember my WHY:
Today is going to be a very long post. Probably going to be writing all day. I really am fucked up.. it’s really bad. I have to figure out why I have let my character become that of someone that just doesn’t give a shit anymore. I’m constantly sabotaging myself. Constantly letting myself down over and over again.
It’s like I am in the most amazing stupid denial I have ever been in my whole life. I have got to figure out WHAT THE FUCK and get my ass in gear.
I have written “Emergency Files” to myself over the years with reasons I need to get this done so when I am failing I can pull them up… I am copying some of them here. I am going to figure this SHIT out. I’m going to hold myself accountable. FINALLY, FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL.
FROM SOME OF MY EMERGENCY FILES I HAVE WRITTEN OVER THE LAST YEAR: Reasons I hate being fat:
I have turned into A shut in. A hermit. I hate leaving the house. In order to leave the house I have to do so much to make myself feel comfortable enough to leave. To feel even halfway good enough about the way I look to actually leave the house. I have to do my hair, do my makeup…try on four outfits with spanx in order to find one outfit that I am not so self conscious in that I want to crawl into a dark hole. there’s no throwing on just a sexy pair of jeans and a cute shirt and twisting my hair up in a sexy chignon or such and walking out the door (this is a goal some day).
I want so much to be so comfortable in my skin that I can slip on jeans and a simple shirt and smile and be pretty and proud in a simple outfit…. It takes so much effort I just never leave the house anymore. I can’t wear any shoes other than fucking Crocs or Fitflops. How cool would it be to wear sexy heels. My feet can’t take it.. I have to wear the most ugly shoes in existence. Why have I done this to myself, why have I just said fuck it and allowed myself to turn into a fat ugly pig?
and OMG My body is in PAIN: I’ve had lower back pain for ages, and I mean YEARS… I have also had this sharp pain in my right inner thigh area right between my groin and upper leg area that flares up whenever the fuck it wants too and when it does its excruciating to walk. I also have this right hip pain.. it feels hot and inflamed. My feet hurt.. I hobble around like a 90 year old lady. I KNOW I am hurting myself carrying this EIGHTY EXTRA FUCKING POUNDS AROUND.
Sort of new is this nerve pain down the front of my thighs… that is some scary shit.. I am pretty sure it’s either a problem with a bulging disc or fucking nerve damage somehow.
I also have this deep tailbone ache ALWAYS and I know its from SITTING ON MY ASS ALL FUCKING DAY. it’s chronic now.. I fell a couple of years ago and I am sure fractured my tailbone a bit or something and I’ve been living with it for like two years.. every damn day of my life, taking a fucking car ride for more than 30 minutes is excruciating.
OH WAIT BUT THERE’S MORE! I can’t get comfortable at night.. when I lay on my back my thighs go numb..my normal way of sleeping for years has been on my side with an arm above my head under my pillow.. but now I have so much upper body fat and my arms are so fat it pushes the joint out too much and causes shoulder pain. If I try to sleep on my back my massive boobs make me feel like I am suffocating. I can never get comfortable and never sleep well at night unless I take a sleeping pill and doing that scares me because I am sure my breathing at night already isn’t great and I am afraid I might not wake up.
I have no energy. I can clean the kitchen for 15 minutes and have to have a sit down break!! Carrying an extra 80 pounds on my body all the time is exhausting!
Imagine how much energy I would have if I wasn’t lugging around ALL THIS EXTRA WEIGHT!!!!! I would feel like I could just fly.
God Damn It I am so tired of letting myself down for years, over and over.
WORSE THAN ANYTHING is breaking all my self promises.. talk about soul crushing. Breaking self-promises is the worst thing you can do. Letting yourself down over and over again.. knowing it is YOU THAT IS CONSTANTLY LYING TO YOURSELF.. you that is never taking care of yourself.. never loving yourself. I want to stop disappointing myself constantly. This last few years have been emotionally devastating on my self esteem. I want to keep self promises. I have to. I swear I am a shell of my former self.
AND HOLY SHIT do I ever want to stop constantly talking about losing weight to my HUSBAND AND FAMILY and actually finally, FINALLY be successful at it. I want to stop constantly talking and talking and talking about it, seriously this is a damn joke.. especially between my husband and myself… no more being such a flake! ! My husband must think I’m a ridiculous fucking mess.
I have talked about losing weight to him for 15 fucking years!!! DIET AFTER DIET AFTER GOD DAMN DIET, NEVER, EVER GETTING ANYWHERE. it’s stupid and absolutely insane. . I want him to see me successful… I am sure my entire family thinks I am fucking ridiculous. I never look forward to any family gathering. Especially if its family I have not seen in awhile like cousins. I am so self conscious with how much I have let myself go. I just hate getting together with anybody at all.. it takes constant self talk and encouragement to plan on seeing anyone. I no longer have any friends because I am NOT feeling confident enough to get out and join any friend groups or put myself out there. I hate this fat on my body and can’t stand to even look at myself in the mirror.. how can I expect to have friends want to spend time with me?.. . I AM VERY LONELY – but I’m so self conscious that I don’t ever go out and try to do anything about that and make new friends.
SADNESS.. I really believe I have no idea how normal feels anymore, much less how some one with abundant health feels. I wonder how it would feel to be 100 pounds lighter and totally pain free, full of joy..not constantly melancholy. To have bounding energy.. feel so light on my feet. I can’t imagine how it would feel to release 100 pounds and feel buoyant and light. Every movement seems to take monumental effort. I’m so tired.. I’m so sad. I’ve got to pull myself out of this.
I have become so fat… but even looking at myself through rose colored glasses or with love and compassion when looking in the mirror is not enough to make me enjoy looking at myself anymore. I used to love look at myself in the mirror,, love to spend time putting on makeup and taking care of making myself look nice. I want that back. I know I can look so much better. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I can be a beautiful middle aged woman I’m sure of it. Someone that feels amazing in my own skin again. I want that.
!!!!!!!! Just do it!! You’ve been fucking around with this weight loss for years and years. IT’S TIME TO JUST GET ON WITH IT… Think about all the time you’ve already lost… one thing I think that will be KEY for me is to stop dealing with decision fatigue and just pick a freaking eating plan AND STICK TO IT.
I settled on COUNTING CALORIES. No more switching diets.. back and forth.. STOP THAT SHIT!! Make it simple!! and make it EASY for a while damn it!!!!!! It’s ok to eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch for a while.. stop constantly having to think about food..
So that was a bunch of mental shit. I feel better.
Well you know.. crap! What can I say. I’m still FAT. I am getting my Mojo back though.. times they are a changin’. I’m changing.. I joined a gym. It only took me years to get up the mental fortitude to do that. I sort of just decided I didn’t give a damn anymore how people see me. I was so wrapped up in fear of disapproval, in people being disapproving of my body that I almost never leave the house. I let my life start living me instead of the other way around. I swear I had a bit of agoraphobia going on.
A couple of weeks ago I started to go out and get my mail and saw a chatty neighbor out in her yard and I turned around and went back in the house because I didn’t want her to see me. I didn’t want the interaction.
Right then and there it hit me I am fucked up.. mentally screwing myself. I decided I had to figure something out.
I thought about it for several days.. trying to decide what would work for me. It was constant self talk, I love my safe, comfy space. I like never having to get fucking dressed (being real here). I really have reduced my world.
I thought about joining a local group on Meetup.. then thought about going to my old Yoga class (it had been a year at least). Then thought about trips to a spa once a week (yes I am an indulgent soul).. I finally settled on actually joining a gym.